What should I avoid?
Most people do not mean to cause harm. But some responses can leave a survivor feeling more ashamed, alone or unsafe.
Support is not about saying the perfect thing. It is about avoiding shame, pressure and control.
Believe him.
Interrogate him.
Ask what helps.
Assume you know.
Ask before touching.
Assume touch is comforting.
Stay calm.
Make his disclosure about your shock.
Respect his pace.
Force him to tell the whole story.
Encourage support.
Pressure, threaten or shame him into getting help.
Look after yourself too.
Become his only support.
Use plain, caring words.
Use clichés like “everything happens for a reason.”
Let him have choice and control.
Take control of his story.
Keep his trust.
Tell others without permission, unless there is a safety risk.
Take it seriously.
Minimise it, compare it, or say others have it worse.
Let him choose what happens next.
Pressure him to report, disclose more, or take action before he is ready.
Keep safety and boundaries clear.
Accept threats, intimidation or unsafe behaviour.
Reassure him gently.
Ask, “Why didn’t you fight back?” or “Are you sure?”
Support does not mean fixing, forcing or abandoning your own boundaries.
If you are worried he is not safe right now,
Go to: I'm worried about his safety →